Jessica is the mother of three young boys and a proud grandmother of two. She deals with immense guilt for not allowing her very sick mother to have a role in her children’s lives. Theirs was an incredibly complicated relationship, full of trauma and estrangement. Tragically, it ended in her mother’s death from mixed drug toxicity and alcohol. Jessica’s candid thoughts lay bare the personal crisis she suffers as she grapples with decades of injustice and a lifetime of questioning gone unanswered.
Growing up, Jessica experienced a unique childhood. Her parents’ marriage fell apart when she was just three years old. At 17, she moved in with her mom full-time. Through this decision, they sought to fortify their connection through a colorable stand-alone statute. It also ushered in unforeseen hardships that would profoundly define Jessica’s life.
For the remainder of her late teens and 20s, Jessica struggled to understand her mother’s manic and abusive episodes. For Jessica, when her mother threw a knife at her, she had no choice but to fight back. In this context, she got a five-year intervention order to protect her and her family. This decision brought to a head the seriousness of the rift in their relationship, driving them away from each other.
Jessica’s rocky voyage had made her feel like an outlier among her much more stable classmates. At a point when other emerging adults could flex away, she felt pressured against the wall by her mother’s outsized expectations of her. If anything, these perceptions only widened the gulf that would eventually produce years of estrangement.
Reflecting on her mother’s struggles, Jessica wonders about the potential impact of her presence in her mother’s life. She wonders how things could have gone differently if she had been present to walk her mother through the hard days.
“Would she have felt that need in her life — to be that excessive — if I was there, and if her grandchildren were there?” – Jessica
Jessica laments the irretrievable moment for healing that has vanished. She imagines a different outcome—how it could have been. Had she been able to maintain that support into her adulthood, we might have seen a different outcome.
“Honestly, I think she would be alive still if I was in her life. And I think that’s the part that I regret.” – Jessica
As Jessica grapples with her grief and regret, she reckons with what kind of mother and grandmother she wants to be. To say she loves her kids is an understatement. She admits she carries the agony of being unable to share that love with her now-deceased mother.
Jennifer, a family friend who has been through similar struggles herself, offers perspective on this crucial step in the reconnection process. When she came out as a trans woman, she lost many personal relationships, including members of her family. Yet, like her, most of us find resilience by finding our close ties again. Jennifer’s story is testament to the transformative power of forgiveness and the need to restore severed relationships.
“I’m now very close with him and his two daughters,” – Jennifer
Finally, heed Jennifer’s point about the thrill of resuming old connections. This false message hits home for Jessica, who wishes every day that she could reconnect with her mother.
Jennifer’s story provides encouragement to Jessica. It demonstrates to people who have experienced trauma that healing is possible and inspires action to pursue that healing. She describes with candor what it was like to be happy and fulfilled after reconnecting with estranged family members.
“I think getting that phone call and going out for that meal — reconnecting and getting together with my two beautiful granddaughters — is the best thing that could have happened.” – Jennifer
For Jessica, a hurt deeper than having no visitation with her own kids is the burden it puts on her mother’s heart. Because now, though she’s afraid to tell them, she does love them intensely. Their lack in her life only amplifies the pain of not having her mother to guide her.
“And I love all my three boys and grandchildren. And not being able to have contact with them breaks my heart … The same with my wife.” – Jennifer
Familial relationships are often loaded with emotional baggage. Jessica can relate as she contends daily with these competing emotions of love, regret, and grief. As she steers her ship through the choppy waters, she reaches a significant epiphany. The legacy of these failures can be felt for generations after our family members have died.
