Mother of two Melanie Connell is one of those Californians who is beyond exasperated. She can’t find any sympathy when she’s speaking candidly about the not-so-glamorous parts of motherhood. Instead of having her needs met, she finds herself shamed and ostracized. “What everyone else expects of you, the unsolicited advice … it doesn’t seem to matter what avenue you go down: there’s always judgement,” she remarks. Her story is emblematic of an alarming trend among mothers who feel pressure from society and the emotional weight of expectations to act as protectors.
Frances Bilbao, founder and director of a mental health service for new mothers, emphasizes the need for greater education about the normalcy of anger in motherhood. She knows that anger, like hope, is a significant driver of change. She invites mothers to tune in to their feelings so that they can identify and meet their own needs. Many mothers develop severe anxiety in their attempts to achieve unattainable expectations, noted Bilbao. This pervasive sense of urgency can create a profound sense of loneliness.
Change is necessary, says Dr. Sophie Brock, a leading expert in maternal mental health. She thinks it’s high time to change the way our culture looks at mothers. She explains how mothers are subjected to “social gaslighting,” which discourages them from sharing their grievances to begin with. As mothers continue to navigate their roles amidst societal pressures, it becomes increasingly essential to foster a supportive environment where their emotions are validated.
The Weight of Expectations
Melanie Connell of @MomAbodeHome beautifully expresses the mental load of all mothers. She describes the extensive responsibilities that come with being the default parent: “What makes me angriest is the mental load that we carry: booking appointments, planning meals, remembering school events, all while working professionally.” This complex and demanding balancing act frequently results in mothers feeling neglected and exasperated.
Self-compassion for mothers is an important focus in Dr. Brock’s work. “Let’s offer ourselves and each other a lot of compassion, because we are mothering in extremely fraught, difficult, and unprecedented times,” she states. By encouraging compassion for themselves, moms will be able to start to process their anger in a healthy, external way rather than turning it inside.
Navigating Anger and Connection
Activist Frances Bilbao argues that we shouldn’t see anger as a negative emotion, but instead as a space of empowerment and self-growth. “You can … deeply love your children while feeling angry,” she explains. She inspires mothers to feel their feelings so that they can inform themselves and stand up for what they need.
Bilbao further emphasizes the need to engage professional assistance when necessary. “Talking to a therapist or psychologist can be beneficial as they provide a reflective space,” she advises. To combat this stigma, this support fosters candid conversations around the joys and traumas of motherhood. It removes the concern of being publicly shamed or cut off from social circles.
As Dr. Brock asserts, most mothers are fearful about expressing their anger for fear of retribution. They worry that it will negatively impact their relationships. “That’s what really drives isolation and disconnection … when mothers aren’t able to talk openly about the very difficult and sometimes contradictory feelings that they have,” she notes. Starting open dialogues about these feelings can help foster a more compassionate community of mothers.
A Shift in Cultural Perception
The new cultural narrative around motherhood is a one-dimensional portrait that ignores the emotional duality that often accompanies the role. Dr. Brock takes issue with the reductionist, outdated, and patriarchal definitions of motherhood that prevail today. Societal norms and mothers’ own family expectations make it demanding for mothers to maintain an illusion of ideal motherhood. When they inevitably come up short, most think of it as failure.
Melanie Connell’s experiences illuminate this struggle well. She reflects on how society’s demands contribute to her frustrations: “They don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors in other people’s households.” This lack of transparency can be alienating to mothers and prevent them from forming sisterships built upon the common threads of experience.
Together, we can change the narrative around motherhood. This change will help mothers express how they are really feeling without fear of judgement or stigma. Hope to transform anger and not eradicate it. Rather, validate it as a human reaction to your internally-based struggles and externally-imposed stressors.
