Flickr photo by Julie-Anne Dietz, showing the effects of the pinched “sandwich generation.” This growing cohort is known as the sandwich generation, as they balance caring for their elderly parents with raising their younger ones. In her full-time capacity as their primary caregiver, she balances the ongoing caregiving of her parents, Keith and Pattie, both stricken by dementia. Simultaneously, she is the sole provider for her two daughters, Millie and Annabelle. Millie has recently flown the coop, but Annabelle hasn’t moved out of the house yet. This dynamic captures the multifaceted layers of caregiving most families are navigating in real time right now.
In Australia’s second largest city Melbourne, entrepreneur Sid Kawar and his wife Irina are under the same pressures. They care for Sid’s parents, who immigrated from India in 2021. Today, all of them still reside together with their two teenage daughters in a custom-built five-bedroom, open-concept home. This setup highlights a countervailing positive trend. Younger generations, increasingly burdened with the care of their own families along with aging relatives, are increasingly living in multi-generational households.
Caregiving for her independent 94-year-old mother, Phyllis Foundis is another side of the sandwich generation. So she stresses defining boundaries to control expectations. “I realised that if there were no boundaries then everyone would suffer,” she stated. Phyllis believes that maintaining these boundaries is crucial for her well-being and for nurturing her relationships with both her mother and her children.
As demographers tell us, the sandwich generation will exceed a record size by 2025. Demographer Mark McCrindle notes that young adults today depart home at an average age in the mid-20s. This change is being propelled by the skyrocketing cost of living and housing. This trend compounds the responsibilities faced by those like Julie-Anne, who feels that her time spent as “mother-daughter as opposed to mother-carer” is diminishing.
Julie-Anne shares what makes her experience as a family caregiver to a child with life-limiting illness, special. “This is my first turn at being a daughter … and being a mother,” she shared. She recognizes that her relationship with her daughters is markedly different from the dynamic she had with her own mother. “Her life at 60 is very different from my life at 60,” she added, acknowledging the generational shifts in caregiving norms.
Irina voices a matching feeling when it comes to their choice to care for Sid’s parents at home. “We won’t be at peace with ourselves if we do that to our parents,” she remarked, emphasizing the deep-rooted cultural beliefs surrounding family care. Sid concurs, stating, “We don’t prefer to send our parents to aged care,” acknowledging the societal stigma that often accompanies such decisions.
Psychologist Melissa Levi breaks down the psychological toll endured by members of the sandwich generation. She notes, “Being ‘sandwiched’ is an overwhelming experience because people must juggle so many responsibilities.” She understands that caregivers are trying as hard as they can to do right for their parents. In doing so, they care for their own marriages, and as friends and coworkers.
There’s nothing like caring for aging parents while raising children to give one the sense of being pulled in two directions at once. Melissa explains, “What you end up with is parents still with dependent children well into their 20s.” Julie-Anne narrates her story as a parenting pioneer, a solo mom to a special needs child. She just feels more interactive, more “hands-on” with her daughters than her own mother was with her.
Caregivers practice their calling with artistry and grit. At the same time, they deal with the emotional toll of trying to serve their own needs against the needs of their families. Phyllis states, “It doesn’t mean that I … love her any less, but I need to be very strong and present, not only for my sons and my mother but for myself.” Societal recognition of the need for self-care is an important step towards creating healthier families and relational environments.
The reality of multigenerational care is an ongoing juggling act and tug-of-war that needs to be addressed. Julie-Anne, Sid, and Phyllis are just three of the individuals who embody how clear expectations and boundaries create safer experiences for caregivers and care recipients. They provide inspiring examples of how people are making the most of their situations and doing what’s best for them while doing right by themselves.
