Gaslighting—or an attempt to make someone doubt their reality—has quickly risen to the cultural zeitgeist. It includes manipulative tactics that undermine an individual’s perception of reality. Dr. Kayla Steele, a postdoctoral research fellow and clinical psychologist at the UNSW School of Psychology, explains that people engage in gaslighting “to gain control or influence over other people and their experiences, perceptions, and reality.” The term originated from the 1944 film “Gaslight,” where a husband systematically manipulates his wife into questioning her sanity by dimming the gaslights in their home and denying the act when she notices.
Dr. Robin Stern, a licensed psychoanalyst and author of “The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life,” emphasizes that gaslighting is a behavior rather than a clinical diagnosis. It can appear in all forms, stages, and levels, and it doesn’t always come from a bad place — sometimes it’s inadvertent. Understanding these insidious behaviors is an essential first step for both the gaslighter and gaslight victim.
The Dynamics of Gaslighting
Gaslighting may play out more slowly, sometimes beginning with small lies that compound over months or years. Dr. Steele further explains that gaslighting is characterized by a deliberate attempt to undermine someone else’s reality. This intentional and sustained campaign is what makes gaslighting so ubiquitous. This can involve things like refusing to acknowledge discussions that took place or invalidating reasonable emotional reactions.
He’s quick to point out that just because someone disagrees or is being dishonest doesn’t mean they’re gaslighting you. “If someone forgets a conversation, that’s not gaslighting,” she notes. When someone continuously denies interactions as real when they’ve occurred, they’re being emotionally abusive. If in addition, they turn around and claim that the other party is fabricating a story to sow doubt and confusion, then they are gaslighting.
Gaslighting is extremely damaging to victims. It can cause them to question their memories, become withdrawn and feel alone, and guilt and shame can settle in as well. Symptoms frequently manifest in constantly doubting your memory of occurrences and being gaslit out of your feelings or worries.
Healthy Relationships vs. Gaslighting
Unlike gaslighting, everything in a healthy relationship is rooted in mutual respect, trust, safety, support, and transparent communication. Dr. Steele stresses the foundational elements of any good relationship. These are social equality, mutual respect and common purpose, empathy, and a strong emotional and physical bond.
When people get into relationships where manipulation is the name of the game, it’s hard to hold onto this friendly, understanding energy. Disengaging from gaslighting behavior is no small task. It takes commitment and work from both the gasser and gassee. We encourage people to ask themselves what’s motivating you to act this way in a relationship.
“Take time to reflect on what was driving those actions — were you trying to control the narrative, avoid responsibility, cover up a lie, or simply struggling to manage something difficult?” – Robin Stern
Knowing what drives you is a huge part of creating more positive relationships. Dr. Stern claims that accepting responsibility for the harm done is a crucial step towards improvement. He stresses the necessity of listening and understanding the need for space and boundaries from those impacted.
The Role of Awareness and Recovery
Recognizing gaslighting behavior is an important step in the healing process—for both the victim and the gaslighter. Dr. Steele recommends that those who are recovering from gaslighting find a therapist who can help them process their emotions and experiences in a healthy way.
Dr. Stern is adamant that learning to identify gaslighting behavior is the first step. He describes it as “a bold, meaningful and courageous first step.” True change starts with accountability, an understanding of deep-rooted inequities and a long-term pledge to improve.
Learning emotional skills is key to helping youth create less toxic connections. According to Dr. Stern, the art of emotional regulation and direct expression of one’s difference without game-playing is where the magic lies.
“Just as important is developing emotional skills — learning to regulate your feelings, communicate honestly, and sit with discomfort without resorting to control.” – Robin Stern
Gaslighting has invaded our personal lives. It has become a pernicious thread in the fabric of contemporary political discourse. The focus on the term’s implications makes it a timely topic of conversation in discussions regarding societal manipulation, a concept that applies to multiple social structures.
